i'm scared.

Russian Club hosted this Russian Disco thing tonight at a bar downtown... well he used to always tell me he's not into the whole club scene and everything, so I thought I'd be safe.. I wasn't. he was there. I got scared right as I saw him. My friends were trying to comfort me. My one guy friend said "hey as long as I'm here, he's not touching you. I'll let you know if he comes around". but next thing I know, I hear him say my name behind me. And I run out for a cigarette. And he tries to follow me. And then he tries to talk to me out there while I'm smoking. Well, according to him, he doesn't smoke....... I succeeded at avoiding him, though I couldn't calm down until I was sure he was gone.

Come home, chilling with that guy friend..............
we're listening to music. he knows everything. but he's stroking my leg. he's stroking my side.

he left.

but i'm still shaking. I'm still crying. I'm still very uncomfortable.
why does everyone try to touch me?
why does no one respect me?
i'm not a toy.

or maybe he's trying to use my weakness to his own benefit.

my heart is racing. i'm short of breath. my hands are sweaty. my hands don't get sweaty. but i'm stressed. and very worried. and scared... but not for myself.

the guy who disrespected me... not the one who raped me, but the other one (though it's still sexual abuse, i suppose)... well he used to come to me, begging for forgiveness, telling me he wants to change and be a better person blah blah. i didn't believe... but i hoped. until he got angry and decided he was wrong about everything and i'm just a selfish bitch. that's all in more detail in the other note... the "here's the story" one..

well anyway... my biggest hope was that he would have still gotten something out of this whole thing and when i said my final goodbye to him, i even told him.. i hope no girl has to go through what i went through.

he's still a menace. he's desperate. he went through facebook and added every girl he could remember ever meeting. then he decided to skip class and take a trip down to washington, DC to visit this girl.. and he starts talking about how thanks to this amazing person, he had a good time in DC, how everything is falling in place, how it's fate... and so i'm so worried about her.

i'm worried about any girl who believes his lies, who gets tricked into thinking they're friends... because itll prolly only lead to her getting fucked over, just like i did.

too bad we're not in such a technological world where we can look at a person and read other people's reviews of him or her.. that would help so many people out... :(

should be a compilation of all the assholes out there.. i know ppl change, but still.. some don't.
and there's the whole list of registered sex offenders.. but i never had the heart to report anyone. i just hope and pray those guys don't hurt anyone like they hurt me..

dreaming again

but this time i wasn't the victim..
i had a best friend in high school... she's engaged to this guy now and he won't let her talk to me or her other best friend.
well anyway, i dreamed i thought she was getting raped, so i tried to help her, but she got angry at me because apparently it was mutual..
i don't know what this means.

a flashback and a nightmare

before i went to bed last night, i was sitting there smoking my cig, drinking some tea, and i got a flashback of those nights in russia when it was cold, i was sitting on the steps inside the apartment building, smoking my cigarette. it was dark, quiet, and i was alone. for the time being. because i had my phone. and he was calling me. calling to say he was on his way. i wasn't safe, i felt. i got lucky... the first time, a wild boar took out his shoulder and he was in the hospital for a week. then he drove his motorcycle, but he didn't have a license and got pulled over and taken to jail for a few days. then... then i don't know what happened. he was taking the motorcycle again, calling from numbers i didn't recognize. well he never came. but those unrecognizable numbers called me and were fucking with me. i don't know who they were. i know what they wanted. i knew then. and i was scared. scared to just walk from the bus stop to my apartment, even though that part of the city is the safest you can get. well whatever happened must have been intense. apparently it was on the news. i don't watch the news. now i'm glad.

people i don't know came to know me somehow. people who weren't from that part of town. but they were there... and everyone knew. everyone in that little square knows everyone, and if an outsider shows up, within half an hour everyone knows about it. no one touches anyone in that part of town. only outsiders do. and they don't want to, if they know anything about that part of town. because if someone touches anyone, they're just digging their own grave. well i don't know what they were doing there, and i don't know how they knew me. and it made me more scared.

it came to a point that although i knew that part was safe, if i was on my way to the bus stop, to get a pack of cigs, at night, even though there's lamps everywhere and it's all lid up, i was scared. i was scared walking in the tunnel to pass under the building, though it lasted a good 6 yards and you could see everything there. i was walking once and there was another guy walking. i got scared. but i tried to stay calm. but he was behind me. and he was getting closer and closer. and i knew then, that he was approaching me... he wanted to borrow my lighter.

--------------------------

well last night i managed to fall asleep... i said at least i'm safe here.
i managed to fall asleep only to have a nightmare, which no matter how many times i would wake up from it, would continue again from exactly where it left off.

i was in an unknown city. passing by. i think i was in a mall in that city.. one of those outdoor shopping centers like the Greene, or like Easton... there was an olde tyme photo booth. and a bathroom.

i don't know who he is. i have never seen him in life before. an image my mind made up. but he followed me into the bathroom. he followed me everywhere. and more i ran from him, the closer he got, the less people there were around, until it eventually became night. this was a rapist coming after me. i didn't have my phone. he had it. he took it from me.

he took it from me sometime when i went into an actual building... escalators, i remember, and several of the top stories had glass walls.. offices and such. i went up there and the janitors shooed me back down, so i went. but i left a bear up at the top, and i had to go back up... he got my bear. i suppose that was the cheese on this mouse trap. he got my bear and somehow got the phone. and somehow got to me.

and the more i tried to fight back, the worse i made everything for myself.. i tried to hit him in the nuts, but he only got more and more aroused. and oh he was strong.. but oh i was so weak...

and so we came to be inside a building, a high school, it seemed.. because there was an auditorium like you would find in a high school. but the building was huge. and i couldn't find my way out. well i ran into the auditorium and there were some ppl in there... people i once knew, once was friends with.. but they don't care anymore. athreya was there. they all cared so little they didn't help me. they didn't stop him. they helped him. but athreya was leaving. and he got my phone somehow. he gave me my phone. but the guy had the back cover and the battery. the phone was useless.

well i couldn't outrun him, and i couldn't fight him. it came to point where i was begging and pleading. and i was scared. i couldn't cry for help any time before because the dream was so real, i was half awake.. so i was trying to literally cry outloud in my sleep.. but my body was a sleep. i couldn't make a sound.

my alarm rang time to go to class. i was exhausted. but i'm glad i didn't fall asleep again. because that dream disturbed me. disturbed me so much i can't even find the energy in myself to go into any detail. to portray anything i felt the way it should be portrayed.

i'm so disturbed that the more and more i think about it, the closer i come to tears.

so i suppose i still dream of monsters when i have nightmares... except now the monsters are people. and it hurts more because i've actually been through rape. and these nightmares... they don't scare me as much as they disturb my emotional well-being.

after this night, i'm back at square one. actually, i might be more of a mess than i even was then.

so i'm going to see shonali again. she's my therapist. except the soonest appointment is february 4th. i hope i can manage until then somehow.

in case you haven't noticed...

this blog has taken a huge turn. i have issues. major problems. been through a lot. and i'm trying to deal. it's been hard sometimes trying to open up because i wanted to forget certain things so much that i actually did forget them! but forgetting doesn't help. it's time to share my story in detail, as, slowly, i'm getting more and more comfortable opening up. so from now on, this is mostly going to be my story, a story of rape and betrayal. at least until i'm better.

the story - the end.

so i met this guy in may, and like with every new person i meet, i try to socialize with him and be nice to him. but i get nothing in return, just an attitude from him as if i'm wasting his time. my friend invited him to cedar point with us. so after the trip, i just didn't talk to him. not that i wasn't talking to him. i just didn't go out of my way. if he wanted to talk, i'd be fine with that, and i'd talk to him.

well i went to russia this summer. i came back, and he started talking to me via facebook chat. i was confused at first - i thought he hated me! so why is he talking to me? but whatever. i kept socializing with him. and it got to a point where i thought, hey maybe we might be friends!

well when he got back from russia, i kept inviting him places, trying to hang out with him, and sometimes he'd go (though oftentimes it took a lot of coaxing from me), but he always had this attitude like he was so much better than me and i'm just wasting his time. i mean, i even went to target with him to help him find some stuff he needed, and even then he told me he has no idea why i came with him, and made it seem like he'd rather i not have come. but i kept trying. i thought maybe he's just that kind of person and he doesn't really hate me. plus i was confused about everything, because like i said, we seemed like friends just earlier on.

well i called him one day and said "hey let's get lunch on tuesday" and i told him about my day and he said he doesn't care - i need to just stop talking, get off the phone. the whole conversation lasted about two minutes, including him being a jerk, so clearly i wasn't wasting anyone's time there. but at that point, i just gave up on him. i thought "he thinks i'm wasting his time; i need to stop wasting my time". so i never got back in touch for him about lunch. i made myself busy with other things.

he called me that wednesday and asked "weren't we supposed to get lunch sometime?" so i told him "yeah, sorry, i had a lot of stuff going on, so i forgot". i didn't forget. i just had the option of other stuff and i chose to pick those instead. because he was jerk! well he asked me where i was and then came and found me inside that building.

that night was interesting.. he used to look down upon me for smoking, but then that night, he told me he bought a pack. i was confused. i obviously said something about it. he said he never looked down upon me for smoking. well he followed me home. we watched a movie. i taught him how to smoke, because i realized he was just wasting his cigs, just puffing on them. he gave me the rest of his pack.

and then he started calling me. HE started asking ME to do things. and well we became friends.

but i was raped in russia. and the following night my friends got me drunk (therapy, right?) and then put me out on the streets in the middle of the night, alone, not knowing where i am or what i'm doing. great friends. and i'm better now. but i was a mess earlier. my roomies could vouch for that. but yeah, i didn't want any problems or misunderstanding so as soon as i thought we might be friends, i told him "look this is what happened __________" i don't want to hear about it "i'm telling you just so you know. because i have a lot of issues with trust and people and i'm easily upset etc etc".

so we spent more and more time together. and he became the ideal friend that i needed at that point in time in my life. we spent more and more time together and i realized he was into me. but i was doing my whole oblivious "huh? what? i don't notice anyone being into me" thing.

he walked me home one night. i let him hold my hand. but that doesn't mean anything to me. that's my excuse. because i knew damn well it meant something to him. so we got to my place. i took my key out, unlocked the door, and he said "wait." so i waited. and he said "what?" so i told him "you tell me what. you told me to wait." and he said "oh i just wanted to kiss you." and i freaked out said "ok bye" and went inside. then i realized that was rude of me, so i went back out and hugged him. he kissed my neck.

well so there i was. the first one whose hand he ever held. his first kiss. and eventually his "first" fuck. but i told him... i told him before we fucked that i wasn't interested in him. we had this understanding. i made it clear. but he decided he's in love with me.

but i didn't like him. despite my friends telling me he's cute and "aww he really loves you. you can really tell" and even my therapist telling me he seems perfect for me and i should give it a try. but he was my friend. and i wasn't interested.

then he realized i'm easy i guess. i don't know. this is the one thing i can't put into english words. and he started using that, taking advantage of that. and it came to the point where everytime he had a chance, we'd fuck. obviously we're not fucking if we're going out to eat. but we went out to eat less than we went to his place or my place. and he always ended the night with me at his place or my place. and his place or my place = great opportunity to fuck. he can't sit on a bed with me without trying to fuck. well, i'm tired of people only wanting to fuck!

so i talked to him. he said i'm right. he didn't notice, but now that he's thought about it, that's what's happening. he said he's not just out looking for a fuck, though, and that he'll keep an eye on that.

but then it happened again. and he apologized. and again. and he apologized. and again. and he apologized. and again - and by this point i was a mess. but he apologized and said it's his last chance. it won't happen again. and if it does, he'll understand if i no longer want to talk to him.

but let me tell you, this whole time, it wasn't just that. he wasn't always the nicest to me. he didn't like the way i said "allah". actually, he didn't like a lot of stuff. i don't think he ever liked it much when i talked. i'll start talking, he'll cut me off, and he'll tell me not to ever do or say that again. ummm do you know me? when do i ever purposefully look down upon someone or insult them? i might make a joke... though i don't think i do that either, and if so, i do it rarely... but then i'd just as easily be able to come right back and make an even worse joke about something about myself. slash ummm do you know me? -> someone doesn't like what i'm saying and makes a comment about it, i'll stop talking. ok it's a joke. but ish. because eventually it becomes not a joke. it becomes me really thinking "this person really doesn't like it when i talk, so i'm just not goign to talk. why bother him? why waste my breath?" he told me sometimes he just agrees with me to keep me shut up. but then when i'd stop talking to him there, he'd get all pouty like "no.... no, don't stop talking. i like it when you talk. just don't do _________, don't say ________".. really?

then, everytime he's in a bad mood, be it in general, or if he misunderstood me and was in a bad mood because of that, he would try to make me feel bad, too. and that really got to me at times. because #1 he knows how to make me feel bad, so he'd succeed at it, and #2 i'd feel even worse knowing that he's actually trying to make me feel bad. or rather that's what he said. some things he did were pretty shitty, things he said to me... and i'd get upset. so he'd say he didn't mean them, and blame them on his bad mood. i'm wondering now if maybe he did mean him. he still goes back and forth on his opinions, but anyway...

there's more. but he made a good effort with them. i mean when he apologized, he didn't do it again.

but back to the last chance. before he fucked up, we had a plan that he'd stay here in cbus with me until the 16th, then go to indiana, then come to dayton, then we'd go to new york. so he asks for that last chance. and then he asks me to let him prove that to me by letting him stay with me here until dec 16th. no. i'm not that dumb. if i don't trust someone and he's fucked up so many times already that i have good reason not to trust this person (i mean it got to a point where he would still try but at least when i told him to stop, he did), i'm not going to let that person prove anything to me by living with me. but eventually i thought about it and i decided, fine, this is the last chance, so why not?

so he came to stay with us at my parents' place. and guess what! we're sitting on a bed and he asks to play with my hair. well, sure. play with my hair. innocent enough. but then i decided to hug him and he took that as his cue that he could proceed to do anything he wants to now. but isn't it a good sign, if i move your hand away from my chest, i don't want you touching me? yeah, it's a good damn sign. but he decided to go down between my legs then. and that's fucked up. that's fucked up.

guess what, i still went to NY with him. i still had issues. but he was trying to apologize. so i was trying to forgive him.

way back when, we had talked about getting a house together. this nice little 2 bedroom house which huge bedrooms and a huge kitchen. the way i like it. we were thinking of finding a 3rd person, to make it cheaper. he finally just said that he'll pay the extra amount my parents don't want to pay so we can get the house and not have anyone else. (aren't i stupid?)

well i obviously still had trust issues. but it seemed to be getting better... he seemed to be treating me somewhat better... but then one day we're hanging out. i was over there at his place again. and i saw something black on the inside of his wrist. so i asked him what it was. he said "oh good question" and moved on from it. but then i got to see it closer and it was that black stuff from when you take a bandaid off. well i said he had a bandaid there. he said "huh, that's weird. i dont know." and then i pointed out the needle mark to him and he said "oh that's from long ago". no, it wasn't. so then he tried to tell me it was a TB test. i'm not fucking stupid! #1) he had the vaccine, so they wouldn't test him. it would give a false positive. #2) that's not how they test for TB anyway... STD. HIV, to be more precise, is what he got tested for. you know, i'd be fine with it if he had just told me about the test. but trying to hard to lie about it....

well i had enough. at that point, i hadn't learned to trust him completely yet (though i was working n it) so when that happened, i just completely lost all my trust towards him.

he came begging for forgiveness. but i wanted actions, not words. and i thought he might have been making an actual effort.... but i wanted to make sure. so i guess he got pissed that i wouldnt just forgive him.. because all of a sudden he changed his mind and decided he was wrong about everything... not about the way he treated me, but about what he thought of me. according to him, i'm selfish, and i'm just as bad as he is... you know why i'm a bad person? because i tend to toss things at ppl if theyre farish, instead of getting up, walking to them, and handing it to them... i tossed a cigarette. i'd understand a knife or scissors... but i tossed a cigarette. i'm a bad person because he doesn't like my jokes. i'm a bad person because when i get upset with him and he refuses to leave my house or room, i slam the door.

must i make this comparison? he uses a person's weakness for his own sexual pleasure. he uses a person. i have a bad sense of humor. therefore i'm selfish.

really?

he said he had to say all of that to bring me down to earth. he wanted me to see how awful i can be.

and now he's the victim. "i love you. do whatever you want with me." <- his words. right. i never did anything and i'm not planning to.

now he calls me to say he's sorry but he's not. you know like if you borrowed someone's pen and lost it, and you say "sorry" but you don't really care... like that.

i have until february to tell him if i'm going to live with him. ...really? quite frankly i no longer want to know what goes through his mind.

i posted this on facebook a few days back

i guess i learned a decent amount today--tonight.

i learned i can't stand when a guy is interested in me anymore. it scares me. this guy was so nice. such a gentleman... so chivalrous, oh my.. just today i was thinking about how i like a man to be chivalrous.. but i had to turn him down. i had to avoid him as much as i could. i had to escape him. i have a problem. i can only hope it doesn't last me a lifetime.

i also learned today that the more a person knows about you, the easier it is for that person to hurt you, to control you. i made the mistake of sharing my weaknesses with certain people.
does this mean i should never open up to anyone? no. i just need to learn who to open up to and who not to.

i learned that i can't escape you, but i am strong enough today to realize what you are doing. i am strong enough to know who i am. i am strong enough not to put myself through this anymore. or rather i learned that that is what i must do. i must learn to accept who you are. it's hard. i have a tendency to see the best in people. but i've been trying for a long time to learn to weigh the negatives vs the positives and make the correct decisions based on that. i must learn to stand up for myself. it's not selfish to look out for myself. i'm not selfish. i didn't learn that tonight - i just got a confirmation. but i don't think i ever had much of doubt.

i no longer believe in my love. i make bad decisions, i love the wrong people, i get hurt. that needs to change. but the only way i know how to protect myself today, the easiest way, is simply not to love. it's still hard. because i love. i'm a loving person. oh, i love...

can you answer both of these two questions with a yes?: "if i go crazy, then will you still call me superman? if i'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand?" i doubt it. one day i hope to meet someone who can.

tonight was a good night.
but i'm drunk and probably the smart decision would be not to post this.
but i'm drunk.