i'm scared.

Russian Club hosted this Russian Disco thing tonight at a bar downtown... well he used to always tell me he's not into the whole club scene and everything, so I thought I'd be safe.. I wasn't. he was there. I got scared right as I saw him. My friends were trying to comfort me. My one guy friend said "hey as long as I'm here, he's not touching you. I'll let you know if he comes around". but next thing I know, I hear him say my name behind me. And I run out for a cigarette. And he tries to follow me. And then he tries to talk to me out there while I'm smoking. Well, according to him, he doesn't smoke....... I succeeded at avoiding him, though I couldn't calm down until I was sure he was gone.

Come home, chilling with that guy friend..............
we're listening to music. he knows everything. but he's stroking my leg. he's stroking my side.

he left.

but i'm still shaking. I'm still crying. I'm still very uncomfortable.
why does everyone try to touch me?
why does no one respect me?
i'm not a toy.

or maybe he's trying to use my weakness to his own benefit.

my heart is racing. i'm short of breath. my hands are sweaty. my hands don't get sweaty. but i'm stressed. and very worried. and scared... but not for myself.

the guy who disrespected me... not the one who raped me, but the other one (though it's still sexual abuse, i suppose)... well he used to come to me, begging for forgiveness, telling me he wants to change and be a better person blah blah. i didn't believe... but i hoped. until he got angry and decided he was wrong about everything and i'm just a selfish bitch. that's all in more detail in the other note... the "here's the story" one..

well anyway... my biggest hope was that he would have still gotten something out of this whole thing and when i said my final goodbye to him, i even told him.. i hope no girl has to go through what i went through.

he's still a menace. he's desperate. he went through facebook and added every girl he could remember ever meeting. then he decided to skip class and take a trip down to washington, DC to visit this girl.. and he starts talking about how thanks to this amazing person, he had a good time in DC, how everything is falling in place, how it's fate... and so i'm so worried about her.

i'm worried about any girl who believes his lies, who gets tricked into thinking they're friends... because itll prolly only lead to her getting fucked over, just like i did.

too bad we're not in such a technological world where we can look at a person and read other people's reviews of him or her.. that would help so many people out... :(

should be a compilation of all the assholes out there.. i know ppl change, but still.. some don't.
and there's the whole list of registered sex offenders.. but i never had the heart to report anyone. i just hope and pray those guys don't hurt anyone like they hurt me..

dreaming again

but this time i wasn't the victim..
i had a best friend in high school... she's engaged to this guy now and he won't let her talk to me or her other best friend.
well anyway, i dreamed i thought she was getting raped, so i tried to help her, but she got angry at me because apparently it was mutual..
i don't know what this means.