a flashback and a nightmare

before i went to bed last night, i was sitting there smoking my cig, drinking some tea, and i got a flashback of those nights in russia when it was cold, i was sitting on the steps inside the apartment building, smoking my cigarette. it was dark, quiet, and i was alone. for the time being. because i had my phone. and he was calling me. calling to say he was on his way. i wasn't safe, i felt. i got lucky... the first time, a wild boar took out his shoulder and he was in the hospital for a week. then he drove his motorcycle, but he didn't have a license and got pulled over and taken to jail for a few days. then... then i don't know what happened. he was taking the motorcycle again, calling from numbers i didn't recognize. well he never came. but those unrecognizable numbers called me and were fucking with me. i don't know who they were. i know what they wanted. i knew then. and i was scared. scared to just walk from the bus stop to my apartment, even though that part of the city is the safest you can get. well whatever happened must have been intense. apparently it was on the news. i don't watch the news. now i'm glad.

people i don't know came to know me somehow. people who weren't from that part of town. but they were there... and everyone knew. everyone in that little square knows everyone, and if an outsider shows up, within half an hour everyone knows about it. no one touches anyone in that part of town. only outsiders do. and they don't want to, if they know anything about that part of town. because if someone touches anyone, they're just digging their own grave. well i don't know what they were doing there, and i don't know how they knew me. and it made me more scared.

it came to a point that although i knew that part was safe, if i was on my way to the bus stop, to get a pack of cigs, at night, even though there's lamps everywhere and it's all lid up, i was scared. i was scared walking in the tunnel to pass under the building, though it lasted a good 6 yards and you could see everything there. i was walking once and there was another guy walking. i got scared. but i tried to stay calm. but he was behind me. and he was getting closer and closer. and i knew then, that he was approaching me... he wanted to borrow my lighter.

--------------------------

well last night i managed to fall asleep... i said at least i'm safe here.
i managed to fall asleep only to have a nightmare, which no matter how many times i would wake up from it, would continue again from exactly where it left off.

i was in an unknown city. passing by. i think i was in a mall in that city.. one of those outdoor shopping centers like the Greene, or like Easton... there was an olde tyme photo booth. and a bathroom.

i don't know who he is. i have never seen him in life before. an image my mind made up. but he followed me into the bathroom. he followed me everywhere. and more i ran from him, the closer he got, the less people there were around, until it eventually became night. this was a rapist coming after me. i didn't have my phone. he had it. he took it from me.

he took it from me sometime when i went into an actual building... escalators, i remember, and several of the top stories had glass walls.. offices and such. i went up there and the janitors shooed me back down, so i went. but i left a bear up at the top, and i had to go back up... he got my bear. i suppose that was the cheese on this mouse trap. he got my bear and somehow got the phone. and somehow got to me.

and the more i tried to fight back, the worse i made everything for myself.. i tried to hit him in the nuts, but he only got more and more aroused. and oh he was strong.. but oh i was so weak...

and so we came to be inside a building, a high school, it seemed.. because there was an auditorium like you would find in a high school. but the building was huge. and i couldn't find my way out. well i ran into the auditorium and there were some ppl in there... people i once knew, once was friends with.. but they don't care anymore. athreya was there. they all cared so little they didn't help me. they didn't stop him. they helped him. but athreya was leaving. and he got my phone somehow. he gave me my phone. but the guy had the back cover and the battery. the phone was useless.

well i couldn't outrun him, and i couldn't fight him. it came to point where i was begging and pleading. and i was scared. i couldn't cry for help any time before because the dream was so real, i was half awake.. so i was trying to literally cry outloud in my sleep.. but my body was a sleep. i couldn't make a sound.

my alarm rang time to go to class. i was exhausted. but i'm glad i didn't fall asleep again. because that dream disturbed me. disturbed me so much i can't even find the energy in myself to go into any detail. to portray anything i felt the way it should be portrayed.

i'm so disturbed that the more and more i think about it, the closer i come to tears.

so i suppose i still dream of monsters when i have nightmares... except now the monsters are people. and it hurts more because i've actually been through rape. and these nightmares... they don't scare me as much as they disturb my emotional well-being.

after this night, i'm back at square one. actually, i might be more of a mess than i even was then.

so i'm going to see shonali again. she's my therapist. except the soonest appointment is february 4th. i hope i can manage until then somehow.